Paul & Sue Hazelden
- Humour Page 7 -


Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. -- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. -- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. -- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. -- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. -- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. -- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan

I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. -- Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. -- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. -- W.C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... as you grow older, it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal

[Humour Index]

Military Wisdom

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." - Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies

"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" ... The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[Humour Index]

Irish Medical Dictionary

Artery: The study of paintings

Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria

Barium: What doctors do when patients die

Benign: What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome

Catscan: Searching for Kitty

Cauterize: Made eye contact with her

Colic: A sheep dog

Coma: A punctuation mark

Dilate: To live long

Enema: Not a friend

Fester: Quicker than someone else

Fibula: A small lie

Impotent: Distinguished, well known

Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane

Morbid: A higher offer

Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates

Node: I knew it

Outpatient: A person who has fainted

Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative: A letter carrier

Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery

Secretion: Hiding something

Seizure: Roman emperor

Tablet: A small table

Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport

Urine: Opposite of you're out

[Humour Index]

The Lost Thimble

(Another email from Ruth.)

When a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble ringed with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."

And so the Lord let her keep him.

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

Signed,

All Us Women

[Humour Index]

Definitions

10 words that don't exist, but should:

AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theatre.

FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

And a few more:

anecdultery (an nek dul' tah ree) n. The moment when you are halfway through telling someone a story - acting in the know and exaggerating like crazy - when you realise it was their story in the first place (also communitake, theminiscing)

binfidel (bin' fid elle) n. A person who sneaks his rubbish into your wheelie bin once it's been put out on the kerb, so there's never any space for your last forgotten bag (also binfilltrator, coup d'etatrash)

boastbuster (bowst' bust tah) n. A person who, when asked to guess how cheaply you bought something, or the size of your pay rise at work, always picks a figure so extreme that your story falls completely flat (also anecdope, pestimator)

buckstop (buhk' stop) n. The space left between the person using an ATM and the first person in the queue behind them (also PINcushion, dough man's land)

cosmetic perjury (koz met' ik pur' jah ree) n. The tactful response required when you meet an acquaintance who has proudly changed their hair, face or body in a failed attempt to improve their appearance (also fake-lift, umdiscretion)

edgehog (edj' hog) n. A train or bus passenger who hogs the aisle seat so you have to climb over them to get to a vacant spot (also yobstacle, AisleBeRightMate)

eyesberg (eyz' burg) n. The icy look a teenage boy gives his mother when he wants her to stop talking to his girlfriend (also off-peek, fridgidglare)

hope couture (howp' ku toor) n. The item of clothing you keep for years in the vain hope you might fit back into it some day (also wishfits, martin-luthers, as in "I had a dream...")

lovestuck (luhv' stuk) n. The moment on a first date when both people want to make a move but are scared of getting a knockback, and as a result nothing happens (also pre-sensual tension, ankissipation)

flaparazzi (fla pah rah' tzee) n. Someone who is always in the background of a live news report, waving stupidly at the camera (also telepathetic, vextra, eyejacker)

knack-nicker (nak' nik ah) n. Someone who can't leave a hotel room without taking every tea bag, sugar sachet, complimentray shampoo, etc (also the artful lodger, kleptomarriott)

tearerist (te' rah ryst) n. A person in the cinema who seems to take ages to unwrap their lollies or open their chips, then eats them one by one, oblivious to the noise (also tornmenter, weapon of multiplex distraction)

piece de resistance (pees' d re zis tonts) n. The last bit of food left on a plate because everyone wants to be polite (also gluttanot, remorsel)

moanotone (mown' o tone) n. The faltering voice you use when you ring work to tell them you're sick (also arggghccent, phlegmbellishment)

shinterjection (shin' tah jek' shun) n. At a dinner party, the sharp kick under the table you give your partner to indicate that whatever it is they are saying, they must stop saying it right now (also shin dig, toed rage)

tortune (tor' tyoon) n. A catchy yet awful song that you can't get out of your head, even after hearing it played just once (also ABBAration)

suffermore (suf' ah moor) n. A person who is always sicker or worse off than you. If you say you are a bit tired, they are exhausted. If you are snowed under, they tell you to try it with six kids. And when someone runs up the back of your car, it's nothing compared to the accident they had in the summer of 1984 (also hurtuoso, sickophant)

veriflycation (veri fly kay' shun) n. That involuntary movement of checking the fly made by all men as they re-enter a public place after leaving the bathroom (also heflex action)

New words for 2007 - essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.

PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.

MOUSE POTATO. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.

SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.

STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiney.

SWIPEOUT. An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

XEROX SUBSIDY. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.

IRRITAINMENT. Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.

GENERICA. Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, subdivisions...

WOOFYS. Well Off Older Folks.

CROP DUSTING. Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

ircumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.

Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a---hole.

[Humour Index]

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