Paul & Sue Hazelden
- Humour Page 7 -
Quotes
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself
~~"Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." -- Lillian
Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I
was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good
in a bed, but fine against a wall." -- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had
ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish
to withdraw that statement. -- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a
good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a
misprint. -- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become
happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. --
Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and
then she stops to breathe. -- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four
essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. -- Alex
Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would
stop dying. -- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness ... but it does bring you a more
pleasant form of misery. -- Spike Milligan
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to
offer me the position. -- Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP. -- Joe
Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's
time for my nap. -- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish
do in it. -- W.C. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to
work its way through Congress. -- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation ... as you grow older,
it will avoid you. -- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... but everything
else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. -- Phyllis
Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too
old to go anywhere. -- Billy Crystal
[Humour
Index]
Military Wisdom
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of
your unit." - Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy." - Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. - U.S. Marine
Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are
guaranteed to always hit the ground." - USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." - Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just
bombed." - U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never
encountered automatic weapons." - General Macarthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." - Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S.
Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds." - Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever
volunteer to do anything." - U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." - David
Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -
Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." - Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." - Unknown
Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." - Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." - USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I
am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71
operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F.
Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than
submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a
helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have
enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying
club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If
a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot
dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation
are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot
pregnant."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully
complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a
row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up
there!"
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a
person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely
kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign
over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full
power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn
off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives,
the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" ...
The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!" - Attributed
to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)
[Humour
Index]
Irish Medical Dictionary
Artery: The study of paintings
Bacteria: Back door to cafeteria
Barium: What doctors do when patients die
Benign: What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section: A neighbourhood in Rome
Catscan: Searching for Kitty
Cauterize: Made eye contact with her
Colic: A sheep dog
Coma: A punctuation mark
Dilate: To live long
Enema: Not a friend
Fester: Quicker than someone else
Fibula: A small lie
Impotent: Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain: Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff: A Doctor's cane
Morbid: A higher offer
Nitrates: Cheaper than day rates
Node: I knew it
Outpatient: A person who has fainted
Pelvis: Second cousin to Elvis
Post Operative: A letter carrier
Recovery Room: Place to do upholstery
Secretion: Hiding something
Seizure: Roman emperor
Tablet: A small table
Terminal Illness: Getting sick at the airport
Urine: Opposite of you're out
[Humour
Index]
The Lost Thimble
(Another email from Ruth.)
When a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble
fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
"My
dear child, why are you crying?"
The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and
that
she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family.
The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble
set
with pearls. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress
replied,
"No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a silver thimble
ringed
with sapphires. "Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the
seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble. "Is this
your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three
thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along
the
riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the
water.
When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you
crying?"
"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is
this
your husband?" the Lord asked. "Yes," cried the seamstress.
The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"
The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a
misunderstanding.
You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up
with
Brad Pitt. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my
husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord,
I'm
not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all
three
husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney."
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and
honourable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story,
and
we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women
[Humour
Index]
Definitions
10 words that don't exist, but should:
AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa
deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to
turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.
CARPERPETUATION (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when
vacuuming,
of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times,
reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back
down to give the vacuum one more chance.
DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of
confection
(lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will
somehow 'remove' all the germs.
ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering
for
one armrest in a movie theatre.
FRUST (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be
swept
onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he
finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling
the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to
resort to the 'illegal' side.
PEPPIER (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant
whose
sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want
fresh ground pepper.
PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialling a phone
number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
PUPKUS (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a
dog
presses its nose to it.
TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of
always
letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even
when you're only six inches away.
And a few more:
anecdultery (an nek dul' tah ree) n.
The moment when you are halfway through telling someone a story - acting
in the know and exaggerating like crazy - when you realise it was their
story in the first place (also communitake, theminiscing)
binfidel (bin' fid elle) n.
A person who sneaks his rubbish into your wheelie bin once it's been
put out on the kerb, so there's never any space for your last forgotten
bag (also binfilltrator, coup d'etatrash)
boastbuster (bowst' bust tah) n.
A person who, when asked to guess how cheaply you bought something, or
the
size of your pay rise at work, always picks a figure so extreme that
your
story falls completely flat (also anecdope, pestimator)
buckstop (buhk' stop) n.
The space left between the person using an ATM and the first person in
the
queue behind them (also PINcushion, dough man's land)
cosmetic perjury (koz met' ik pur' jah ree) n.
The tactful response required when you meet an acquaintance who has
proudly
changed their hair, face or body in a failed attempt to improve their
appearance (also fake-lift, umdiscretion)
edgehog (edj' hog) n.
A train or bus passenger who hogs the aisle seat so you have to climb
over
them to get to a vacant spot (also yobstacle, AisleBeRightMate)
eyesberg (eyz' burg) n.
The icy look a teenage boy gives his mother when he wants her to stop
talking to his girlfriend (also off-peek, fridgidglare)
hope couture (howp' ku toor) n.
The item of clothing you keep for years in the vain hope you might fit
back
into it some day (also wishfits, martin-luthers, as in "I had a
dream...")
lovestuck (luhv' stuk) n.
The moment on a first date when both people want to make a move but
are
scared of getting a knockback, and as a result nothing happens (also
pre-sensual
tension, ankissipation)
flaparazzi (fla pah rah' tzee) n.
Someone who is always in the background of a live news report, waving
stupidly at the camera (also telepathetic, vextra, eyejacker)
knack-nicker (nak' nik ah) n.
Someone who can't leave a hotel room without taking every tea bag,
sugar sachet, complimentray shampoo, etc (also the artful lodger,
kleptomarriott)
tearerist (te' rah ryst) n.
A person in the cinema who seems to take ages to unwrap their lollies
or open their chips, then eats them one by one, oblivious to the noise
(also tornmenter, weapon of multiplex distraction)
piece de resistance (pees' d re zis tonts) n.
The last bit of food left on a plate because everyone wants to be
polite (also gluttanot, remorsel)
moanotone (mown' o tone) n.
The faltering voice you use when you ring work to tell them you're
sick (also arggghccent, phlegmbellishment)
shinterjection (shin' tah jek' shun) n.
At a dinner party, the sharp kick under the table you give your partner
to indicate that whatever it is they are saying, they must stop saying
it right now (also shin dig, toed rage)
tortune (tor' tyoon) n.
A catchy yet awful song that you can't get out of your head, even
after hearing it played just once (also ABBAration)
suffermore (suf' ah moor) n.
A person who is always sicker or worse off than you. If you say you are
a bit tired, they are exhausted. If you are snowed under, they tell you
to try it with six kids. And when someone runs up the back of your car,
it's nothing compared to the accident they had in the summer of 1984
(also hurtuoso, sickophant)
veriflycation (veri fly kay' shun) n.
That involuntary movement of checking the fly made by all men as they
re-enter a public place after leaving the bathroom (also heflex action)
New words for 2007 - essential additions for the workplace
vocabulary:
CUBE FARM. An office filled with cubicles.
PRAIRIE DOGGING. When someone yells or drops something
loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see
what's going on.
MOUSE POTATO. The on-line, wired generation's answer to the
couch potato.
SITCOMs. Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
What
yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.
STRESS PUPPY. A person who seems to thrive on being stressed
out and whiney.
SWIPEOUT. An ATM or credit card that has been rendered
useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
XEROX SUBSIDY. Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from
one's workplace.
IRRITAINMENT. Entertainment and media spectacles that are
annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J.
trials were a prime example.
GENERICA. Features of the American landscape that are exactly
the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls,
subdivisions...
WOOFYS. Well Off Older Folks.
CROP DUSTING. Surreptitiously farting while passing thru a
cube farm, then enjoying the sounds of dismay and disgust
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning
submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked
to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have
gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly
answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
are
run
over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by
proctologists.
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief
that,
when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
ircumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn
by
Jewish men.
The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to
take any
word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's
winners:
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that
stops
bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows
little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the
purpose
of
getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the
subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very,very high.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and
the
person who doesn't get it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are
running
late.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all
these
really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's
like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day
consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem
smarter
when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after
you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into
your
bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub
in
the fruit you're eating.
Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an a---hole.
[Humour
Index]