Paul & Sue Hazelden
- Humour Page 6 -


One Liners

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile... because I don't know what the hell is going on.

[Humour Index]

Signs

An electrician's truck: Let us remove your shorts.

Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on labor day.

A front door: Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog.

A Maternity Room Door: Push, Push, Push

Non-smoking area: If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

Optometrist's Office: If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place.

Scientist's Door: Gone Fission

Taxidermist Window: We really know our stuff.

Podiatrist's Window: Time wounds all heels.

Sign on Fence: Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive.

Car Dealership: The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Muffler Shop: No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming.

Hotel: Help! We need inn - experienced people.

Butcher's Window: Pleased to meat you.

An office: We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left.

Veterinarians Waiting Room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

The Electric Company: We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be.

Beauty Shop: Dye now!

Garbage Truck: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

Computer Store: Out for a quick byte

Diner Window: Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up.

Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

Cafeteria: Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want.

Music Library: Bach in a minuet.

Funeral Home: Drive carefully, we'll wait.

[Humour Index]

Is Hell Exothermic?

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington Chemistry mid term. The answer was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

BONUS QUESTION: IS HELL EXOTHERMIC (GIVES OFF HEAT) OR ENDOTHERMIC (ABSORBS HEAT)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed), or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul goes to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year, "...that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic, and will not freeze.

The student received the only 'A' given.

[Humour Index]

An Edinburgh Hospital

Tony Blair is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one. The patient replies:
 
"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Blair is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:
 
"Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit."

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the PM moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:
 
"Wee sleekit, cowerin, timrous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle."

Now seriously troubled, Blair turns to the accompanying doctor and asks "Is this a psychiatric ward?"

"No," replies the doctor, "this is the serious Burns unit."

[Humour Index]

A Room With A View?

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director the criteria which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalised.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?"

[Humour Index]

A bear, a lion and a chicken

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says, "If I roar in the forest, the entire forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says, "If I roar in the desert, the entire desert is afraid of me."

Chicken says, "Big deal! I only have to cough, and the entire planet s***s itself."

[Humour Index]

Aeroplane Announcements

Real announcements from pilots and cabin crew.

1) Pilot: "Folks, we have reached cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land. It's a bit cold outside and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

2) Airline attendant during safety demonstration: "There may be fifty ways to leave your lover, but there are only four ways out of this airplane."

3) Stewardess after a bumpy touchdown: "We ask you to please remain seated whilst Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal."

4) Loudspeaker announcement after landing: "Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

5) Attendant from same airline: "Welcome aboard. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. If you don't know how to operate one then you really shouldn't be out unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child with you, secure your own mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with two small children, decide now which one you love more".

6) Pilot: "The weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember.... nobody loves you or your money more than this airline".

7) Stewardess: "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation. In an emergency water landing, please take one with our compliments".

8) Pilot heard over loudspeaker during touchdown: "Whoa, big fella, WHOA!"

9) Flight attendant after rough landing: "Please remain in your seats with your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our plane to the terminal gate".

10) Stewardess: "As you exit, please make sure to gather your belongings. Anything left behind will be evenly distributed among the attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses".

11) Pilot: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry.....sadly none of them are on this flight".

12) Flight attendant: " Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and his crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the terminal gate. Once the tyre-smoke has cleared and the warning bells stop, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal".

13) Steward: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us".

14) Stewardess: "Last passenger off the plane has to clean it".

15) Loudspeaker announcement: " I don't know whether we landed or were shot down".

16) Pilot: "Welcome aboard flight 163 to New York, we shall be flying at oh my god!... oh no!.......... sorry about that folks, I've just spilt my coffee, you should see the front of my trousers." Passenger: "You should see the back of mine ....!!

[Humour Index]

Shopping for a Spouse

The Husband Store

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products on sale increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door reads: "Floor 1 - These Men Have Jobs." "Good," she thinks, "but I wonder what is on the next floor?"

The second floor sign reads: "Floor 2 - These Men Have Jobs and Love Kids." She reads the sign and says, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?".

The third floor sign reads: "Floor 3 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking." "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: "Floor 4 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Good Looking and Help With Housework." "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 5 - These Men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-Dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak."

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: "Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store."

The Wife Store

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money.

Nobody knows what is on the third through sixth floors, as they have never been visited.

[Humour Index]

Diets

The Italian Pasta Diet - it really works!

  1. You walka pasta da bakery.
  2. You walka pasta da candy store.
  3. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
  4. You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!

Still concerned about your diet? For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

FACTS:

  1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Apparently it's speaking English that kills you!

[Humour Index]

Dog's Diary, Cat's Diary

DOG'S DIARY

7 am - Oh boy! A walk! My favorite!

8 am - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 am - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

Noon - Oh boy! The yard! My favorite!

2 pm - Oh boy! A car ride! My favorite!

3 pm - Oh boy! The kids! My favorite!

4 pm - Oh boy! Playing ball! My favorite!

6 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Mum! My favorite!

7 pm - Oh boy! Welcome home Dad! My favorite!

8 pm - Oh boy! Dog food! My favorite!

9 pm - Oh boy! Tummy rubs on the couch! My favorite!

11pm - Oh boy! Sleeping in my people's bed! My favorite!

CAT'S DIARY

Day 483 of my captivity...

My captors continued to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal.

The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction that I get from clawing their furniture.

Tomorrow I will eat another houseplant.

Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded - must try this at the top of the stairs.

In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair. I must remember to try this on their bed.

Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try to strike fear in their hearts They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was. Hmmm, that did not work according to plan...

There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the food. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to my powers of inducing "allergies." I must learn what this is and how I may use it to my advantage.

I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit.

The bird, on the other hand, has got to be an informant and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room, his safety is assured.

But I have patience, I can wait, it is only a matter of time

[Humour Index]

The Story of Sammy the Swallow

One day, Sammy was flying south for the winter.

He was late, and the weather was bitterly cold. He grew weak and exhausted. Eventually he fainted, and fell from the sky. Luckily he fell onto some soft earth and wasn't injured.

A rabbit was passing, heard his pitiful cries, and picked him up in his jaws. In order to save him from almost certain death from hypothermia, he dropped Sammy into a fresh cow pat.

After a little while the warmth returned to Sammy's body and he called out, "Help, help me!"

A passing fox heard his mournful cries and dug him out of the cow pat. On seeing what he had found, he couldn't believe his luck, and gobbled Sammy up.

We can learn several important lessons from this story...

[Humour Index]

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Paul Hazelden
 
http://hazelden.org.uk/fun/l3_humour_06.htm was last updated 26 January 2007
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