Paul & Sue Hazelden
- Humour Page 1 -
The Rules
- The Female always makes The Rules.
- The Rules are subject to change at any time without prior
notification.
- No Male can possibly know all the Rules.
- If the Female suspects the Male of knowing all the Rules, she
must immediately change some or all of the Rules.
- The Female is never wrong.
- If the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant
misunderstanding which was the result of something the Male
did or said wrong.
- If Rule 6 applies, the Male must apologise immediately for
causing the misunderstanding.
- The Female can change her mind at any given point in time.
- The Male must never change his mind at any given point in time.
- The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
- The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female
wants him to be angry or upset.
- The Female must under no circumstances let the Male
know whether or not she wants him to be angry or upset.
- Any attempt to document these Rules could result in bodily
harm.
- If the Female has PMT, all Rules are null and void.
(Taken from Hugh Rawson's 'It Ain't Broke', quoted in The
Spark, Summer 2000)
[Humour Index]
Toddler Property Laws
- If I like it, it's mine.
- If it's in my hand, it's mine.
- If I can take it from you, it's mine.
- If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
- If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any
way.
- If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are
mine.
- If it looks like mine, it's mine.
- If I saw it first, it's mine.
- If you are playing with something and put it down, it becomes
mine.
- If it's broken, it's yours.
(Seen on a noticeboard at Westborough URC, February
2000)
[Humour Index]
A frog goes into a bank
A frog goes into a bank, and asks to take out a loan.
The cashier, who has the unfortunate name of Miss Patricia Whack,
starts to take him through the application form.
Everything is fine until she discovers he has nothing to offer
as security.
"Don't worry," he tells her, "My father is Mick Jagger - he
will see to it you get paid back."
"I'm sorry," she replies, "but I can't accept that.
Don't you have anything you can offer as security?"
"Well, I do have this." The frog takes out of his packet
a small, cheap, china cat. Patricia takes it to her
supervisor and explains the situation.
"So," she concludes, holding out the china cat, "I don't know
what this is, or what to tell this customer."
"Isn't it obvious?" the supervisor asks, "It's a nick-nack,
Patty Whack: give the frog a loan - his old man's a
Rolling Stone."
(Told by Peter Crook, on the EE course, February
2000.)
[Humour Index]
A missionary comes home
A missionary comes home for a break, and decides to make some
money decorating houses. He buys some good paint, but to
make it go further and increase his profit, he waters it down.
He has just finished painting the first house, standing back
and admiring his handiwork when he hears a Voice speak to him from Heaven:
"Re-paint, and thin no more!"
[Humour Index]
Performance evaluations
- This employee has reached rock bottom and has started to
dig.
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only from morbid
curiosity.
- I would not allow this employee to breed.
- Not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.
- Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.
- When she opens her mouth, it is only to change feet.
- He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- Sets low personal standards and consistently fails to
achieve them.
- This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the
better.
- Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it
together.
- A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary
ignoramus.
- He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
- He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
- I would like to go hunting with him sometime.
- He's been working with glue too much.
- He would argue with a signpost.
- He has a knack for making strangers immediately.
- He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
- When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
- If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the
other one.
- A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.
- A prime candidate for natural deselection.
- Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
- Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't
coming.
- Has two brains: one is lost, the other is out looking for
it.
- If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a
week.
- If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.
- It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
- One neuron short of a synapse.
- The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
(Quoted in The Spark, Summer 2000)
[Humour Index]
A New Element
A new element, the heaviest known to science, was recently discovered.
The element, tentatively named Administratium, has no protons or
electrons and thus an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron,
75 executive vice neutrons, 125 vice neutrons, and 111 assistant vice
neutrons. This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are
held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of
meson-like particles called morons.
Since it has no electrons, Administratium is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically since it impedes every process with which it has
contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratium
caused one process to take four days to complete when it would have
normally occurred in less than one second.
Administratium has a normal half-life of approximately three years, during
which time it does not actually decay but, instead, undergoes a
reorganization in which executive vice neutrons, vice neutrons, and
assistant vice neutrons randomly change position. Some studies have
suggested that atomic mass actually increases after each reorganization.
Research indicates that Administratium occurs naturally in the atmosphere,
it tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies,
large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found in the
newest, best appointed and best maintained buildings.
Scientists point out that Administratium is known to be toxic at any level
and can easily destroy any productive reaction where it is allowed to
accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine how Administratium can be
isolated or controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but results are
not promising.
(Taken from an email, forwarded by Roger Hazelden)
[Humour Index]
What Was Jesus?
Rumor has it that JESUS WAS JEWISH...
- He went into His father's business
- He lived at home until He was 33
- His Mother was sure He was God.
But then again, just maybe JESUS WAS IRISH...
- He never got married
- He was always telling stories
- He loved green pastures.
Or perhaps, JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN...
- His first name was 'Jesus'
- He was bilingual
- He was always being harassed by the authorities.
Then again it is possible that JESUS WAS ITALIAN...
- He talked with his hands
- He had wine with every meal
- He worked in the building trades.
There are those who believe JESUS WAS BLACK...
- He called everybody "brother"
- He liked Gospel
- He couldn't get a fair trial.
Some of us suspect that JESUS WAS CALIFORNIAN...
- He had long hair
- He walked around barefoot
- He started a new religion.
However, there is one other possibility - MAYBE JESUS WAS A
WOMAN...
- He had to feed a crowd at a moments notice when there was no
food
- He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men
who just didn't get it
- Even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was
more work for Him to do
(Taken from an email, forwarded by Val Cowan)
[Humour Index]
A Pome About A Spell Checker
Eye have a spell chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin not sea
Eye strike a quay and type a word
And weight for it too say
Weather eye am wrong or write
It shows me strait a weigh
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It shoes before two long
And eye can put the error write
It's rare lea ever wrong
Eye have run this poem threw it
I'm shore your please to no
It's letter perfect all the weigh
My chequer towed me sew
[Humour Index]